Sunday, August 15, 2004



So you know I’m not picky about haircuts, but I am finicky about other things. I thought I might go through some of them.

Shirts. I prefer solids over picture patterns almost all the time. And I hate logos. Shirts with writing on them, no. I usually prefer shirts with collars. I don’t like those shirts that are stitched in a fashion that makes them look like they’re inside out.

Food. Lots here. Ok most vegetables I don’t like. Fresh veggies I like are artichokes and broccoli. Out of a can I like green beans and corn. I don’t like other veggies of this sort. I do like salad. My salad must have iceberg lettuce, mostly the white parts of the leaves; the more green, the less I like it. My salad may include those little strings of shaved carrot. I don’t like the purple stuff in there. Mushrooms are ok. Tomatoes are ok. Croutons and bacon bits are good. 1000 Island dressing is preferred. Ranch and Russian dressing are tolerable.

Hamburgers. Only tomato and lettuce are allowed on my hamburgers. I always ask, everywhere, for no pickles no onions. This includes lettuce. Many places use shredded lettuce. The shredded lettuce on my hamburger must not be visible poking out from the edges of the bun. My normal procedure is to open the burger, confirm the no pickle no onion (which can be tricky if they dice their onions finely and toss them in with the shredded lettuce), then rearrange the lettuce so none is sticking out the sides. I also inspect the tomato slices. Sometimes, if the slice comes from the top of the tomato, it is red around the edges and white in the middle. I throw those out. Then I can eat the burger. If I am at a place where I do my own ketchup and mustard, the ketchup goes in a spiral from the outer edge of the patty to the center. The mustard goes on in a “X” pattern, with an additional drop of mustard in each of the four “V’s” formed by the “X”.

I dislike corn on the cob and ribs because they mess up my hands, get caught in my teeth, and goop up my cool facial hair. Then it’s not so cool.

I like all pizza meats. Mushrooms are ok, and so is pineapple on a Hawaiian style pizza. Because I am so finicky, I have no vote in ordering pizza. Anything I don’t like, I just pick off. It’s easier for everybody else that way. See what a benevolent dictator I would be?

On tuna sandwiches I like BBQ potato chips. Regular potato chips, preferably ridged chips, may replace lettuce on any other cold sandwiches. Lunchmeat sandwiches need individually wrapped cheese singles and have mayo only. My tuna has mayo only, and probably more mayo than yours. I do not break up tuna with a fork. I must crumble it to tiny bits by hand. Tuna and PBJ go on white bread. Lunchmeat sandwiches go on those wide loaf oat nut type wheat bread.

That’s good enough for now, right?
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